poetry by Eric Jennings

Medium Picks From Your Editors History Based on Your Network Reading

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When logged in to Medium.com I was presented with a curated feed of 54 headlines titled, “Medium Editors Picks From Your Network Based on Your Reading History.” I copied the headlines and rearranged the words to create these new and improved headlines. No words were added or deleted. The only liberties taken were with punctation and a couple of plural/singular changes by moving the final ‘s’ from one word to another.

  • Advice: Don’t Bring Back The Ice-Cream Stand
  • The Likelihood of Happiness Almost Derailed My Future
  • 20 Lessons to Be a Profound Dad at Early Birth
  • The Power of Having Heard of You at 6
  • Want to Get Healthier? Hack Your Five Color Senses
  • Handwriting Versus a Good SaaS
  • Help The San Francisco Breastfeeding Cult
  • The Challenge to Define the Runs
  • Your Indistractable Brain: The 14 Consequences of Screens
  • Should You Stop Asking Your Boss to Manage Your Masturbation Strategy?
  • Apple Explains Everything You Need to Know About it’s Domino’s
  • Why it’s Time to be Computing from Uranus
  • How “The Apple Logo” is the Least Interesting Book I’m Reading
  • You’ll Have to Give to Abortion For Science
  • The Most Dangerous Fantasy Across the Years
  • Pride Chromebook App Promotes an Anti-Apple Crisis
  • Americans’ Good Habits Will Help You, Britain
  • Facebook Board of Directors is from Venus
  • Where To Splash Water to Receive a Six-Figure Job
  • My Advice for Parenting: Beware Free Advice
  • An Open Petition That Protects Elton John from a Big Cancer
  • The Kink of Silicon and Robots: a Most Interesting Event at San Francisco
  • The Future Figures of Google in 400 Rejected Titles
  • Trump: Liberals Sexism is Inversely Proportional to Constitutional Indistractability Law
  • An Unsavory Wealth of Kids Spells an End of the Marketing Generation
  • How Will People Around the World Breakup with Sleep-Tracking?
  • Mexican Grandmother Asking for Things is Why I Learned to Diet
  • You Are the Weirdest Invention of Today
  • Breathing Floral Steam is Bad for the People I Sleep On
  • Brittany Speech on Campsites is Better Than My Partner’s Story
  • Online Dancer Left the Weirdest Shit at the Reservation
  • How the Worst News Will Break Online Barriers
  • Why 88 Years of IT Predictions are Not Really Startups
  • 2020 Person of the Year Announced and It’s You
  • Seven Contrapoints to the Prime Being
  • How a Tiny Heart Could be Responsible for an Orgasmic Soul
  • How the Dying Perceive Dating Older People
  • I’m Gaining Psychological Weight to Breakup with a Madman
  • Meet the Latest Disease to Get a Company Job
  • Gay Senior Yet to Come Out (at Work)
  • How AI Shame Distinguishes It from Us
  • Oscar Zara Wants a Sugar X-Plainer Marathon at The International Bootcamp of Health
  • Illustration Windows Are Ruining More Than Eyes
  • You’re Gaining Developer Experiences for Debt
  • Old Scammers Guide to Interviewing for Target
  • This Learned Skill Intimidates the Best Gym Thief
  • What Does “Layering It On” Mean?
  • Who Started the Lumen Culture?
  • How I Plunged Into Tamal Valley In August
  • The Matter of Repealing Unicorn Science
  • What Card Apps Can Do for a Loss
  • You Actually Only Need Part 3 of the Next Startup Era
  • How and When to Talk About a Huge Tamale
  • Have I Learned Way Too Much to Build a Better Jewel?

The original headlines:

Medium Editors Picks From Your Network Based on Your Reading History

  • Bring Back Handwriting: It’s Good for Your Brain
  • The Most Interesting Things Apple Announced at its Least Interesting Event
  • ‘Brittany Runs a Marathon’ Promotes a Weight Loss Fantasy
  • The Science of Masturbation
  • The Profound Power of Breathing
  • The Most Dangerous Anti-Abortion Strategy Yet is Gaining Steam
  • I’m from Venus, My Dad is from Uranus
  • The Apple Card Explains Everything You Need to Know About Apple Today
  • Want to Get Healthier? Hack Your Five Senses.
  • The Cult of the Domino’s Logo
  • The Likelihood of You Having Heard of the Book I’m Reading is Inversely Proportional to the…
  • Lessons Learned from More Than 20 Years of Asking About Americans’ Online News Habits
  • An Open Petition to the San Francisco Pride Board of Directors
  • Why You Should Stop Asking for Parenting Advice On Facebook
  • ‘Madman Across the Water’: Tiny Dancer and a Big Splash for Elton John
  • The Challenge to Define Happiness
  • Liberals Beware: Repealing a Law That Protects Free Speech Online Will Only Help Trump
  • Google Wants the Chromebook to be the Future of Computing
  • To Give Advice is Better Than to Receive Advice
  • Sugar, Heart Disease and Cancer: an Unsavory Story of Wealth Versus Health
  • How to Get Started with Illustration (Part 3)
  • Eyes are the Window to a Robot’s Soul
  • Contrapoints Spells the End of an Era for Lefttube
  • How People Perceive Color Around the World
  • Why I Left a Six-Figure Job to Build a Breakup Bootcamp
  • What Distinguishes Us from AI?
  • I Learned the Consequences of Gay Shame at 14
  • Screens are the Latest Invention Not Ruining Kids
  • What is ‘Layering,’ and Does It Mean You’re Bad at Your Job?
  • How to Manage Your Boss
  • Next Generation Marketing Will Have to Break Huge Psychological Barriers
  • Rejected Titles
  • Way Too Early 2020 Oscar Predictions
  • Why It’s Time to Breakup with Zara
  • Mexican X-Plainer: Tamal Vs. Tamale
  • The Ice-Cream Stand
  • The Weirdest Shit to Come Out of Silicon Valley In August
  • The Seven People You’ll Meet at a San Francisco Gym
  • How Much Does Diet Matter When You’re Breastfeeding?
  • Could I be Responsible for My Partner’s Debt?
  • How to Talk to the Person Who Intimidates You at Work
  • The How-to Guide for Indistractability
  • Do Sleep-Tracking Apps Actually Help You Sleep Better?
  • Lumen, the Dating App for Older People, is a Prime Target for Scammers
  • How Sexism Almost Derailed My Floral Startup
  • The Science of Kink
  • Can You Really Have an Orgasmic Birth?
  • I Spent 6-Figures On a Dying SaaS Company
  • This 88-Year-Old Grandmother Was an International Jewel Thief
  • Campsites Where You Don’t Need a Reservation
  • ‘Unicorn Culture at its Best’: the Weirdest Experiences Interviewing at Startups
  • How to be a Good Senior Developer
  • How Britain Plunged Into its Worst Constitutional Crisis In 400 Years
  • Being ‘Indistractable’ Will be the Skill of the Future

about the author

Eric Jennings

I am a poet, an invocateur, an acccidental yogi and dabbler in patamysticism which is the spiritual branch of pataphysics.

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poetry by Eric Jennings