Categoryflarf

Medium Picks From Your Editors History Based on Your Network Reading

M

When logged in to Medium.com I was presented with a curated feed of 54 headlines titled, “Medium Editors Picks From Your Network Based on Your Reading History.” I copied the headlines and rearranged the words to create these new and improved headlines. No words were added or deleted. The only liberties taken were with punctation and a couple of plural/singular changes by moving the final ‘s’ from one word to another.

  • Advice: Don’t Bring Back The Ice-Cream Stand
  • The Likelihood of Happiness Almost Derailed My Future
  • 20 Lessons to Be a Profound Dad at Early Birth
  • The Power of Having Heard of You at 6
  • Want to Get Healthier? Hack Your Five Color Senses
  • Handwriting Versus a Good SaaS
  • Help The San Francisco Breastfeeding Cult
  • The Challenge to Define the Runs
  • Your Indistractable Brain: The 14 Consequences of Screens
  • Should You Stop Asking Your Boss to Manage Your Masturbation Strategy?
  • Apple Explains Everything You Need to Know About it’s Domino’s
  • Why it’s Time to be Computing from Uranus
  • How “The Apple Logo” is the Least Interesting Book I’m Reading
  • You’ll Have to Give to Abortion For Science
  • The Most Dangerous Fantasy Across the Years
  • Pride Chromebook App Promotes an Anti-Apple Crisis
  • Americans’ Good Habits Will Help You, Britain
  • Facebook Board of Directors is from Venus
  • Where To Splash Water to Receive a Six-Figure Job
  • My Advice for Parenting: Beware Free Advice
  • An Open Petition That Protects Elton John from a Big Cancer
  • The Kink of Silicon and Robots: a Most Interesting Event at San Francisco
  • The Future Figures of Google in 400 Rejected Titles
  • Trump: Liberals Sexism is Inversely Proportional to Constitutional Indistractability Law
  • An Unsavory Wealth of Kids Spells an End of the Marketing Generation
  • How Will People Around the World Breakup with Sleep-Tracking?
  • Mexican Grandmother Asking for Things is Why I Learned to Diet
  • You Are the Weirdest Invention of Today
  • Breathing Floral Steam is Bad for the People I Sleep On
  • Brittany Speech on Campsites is Better Than My Partner’s Story
  • Online Dancer Left the Weirdest Shit at the Reservation
  • How the Worst News Will Break Online Barriers
  • Why 88 Years of IT Predictions are Not Really Startups
  • 2020 Person of the Year Announced and It’s You
  • Seven Contrapoints to the Prime Being
  • How a Tiny Heart Could be Responsible for an Orgasmic Soul
  • How the Dying Perceive Dating Older People
  • I’m Gaining Psychological Weight to Breakup with a Madman
  • Meet the Latest Disease to Get a Company Job
  • Gay Senior Yet to Come Out (at Work)
  • How AI Shame Distinguishes It from Us
  • Oscar Zara Wants a Sugar X-Plainer Marathon at The International Bootcamp of Health
  • Illustration Windows Are Ruining More Than Eyes
  • You’re Gaining Developer Experiences for Debt
  • Old Scammers Guide to Interviewing for Target
  • This Learned Skill Intimidates the Best Gym Thief
  • What Does “Layering It On” Mean?
  • Who Started the Lumen Culture?
  • How I Plunged Into Tamal Valley In August
  • The Matter of Repealing Unicorn Science
  • What Card Apps Can Do for a Loss
  • You Actually Only Need Part 3 of the Next Startup Era
  • How and When to Talk About a Huge Tamale
  • Have I Learned Way Too Much to Build a Better Jewel?

The original headlines:

Medium Editors Picks From Your Network Based on Your Reading History

  • Bring Back Handwriting: It’s Good for Your Brain
  • The Most Interesting Things Apple Announced at its Least Interesting Event
  • ‘Brittany Runs a Marathon’ Promotes a Weight Loss Fantasy
  • The Science of Masturbation
  • The Profound Power of Breathing
  • The Most Dangerous Anti-Abortion Strategy Yet is Gaining Steam
  • I’m from Venus, My Dad is from Uranus
  • The Apple Card Explains Everything You Need to Know About Apple Today
  • Want to Get Healthier? Hack Your Five Senses.
  • The Cult of the Domino’s Logo
  • The Likelihood of You Having Heard of the Book I’m Reading is Inversely Proportional to the…
  • Lessons Learned from More Than 20 Years of Asking About Americans’ Online News Habits
  • An Open Petition to the San Francisco Pride Board of Directors
  • Why You Should Stop Asking for Parenting Advice On Facebook
  • ‘Madman Across the Water’: Tiny Dancer and a Big Splash for Elton John
  • The Challenge to Define Happiness
  • Liberals Beware: Repealing a Law That Protects Free Speech Online Will Only Help Trump
  • Google Wants the Chromebook to be the Future of Computing
  • To Give Advice is Better Than to Receive Advice
  • Sugar, Heart Disease and Cancer: an Unsavory Story of Wealth Versus Health
  • How to Get Started with Illustration (Part 3)
  • Eyes are the Window to a Robot’s Soul
  • Contrapoints Spells the End of an Era for Lefttube
  • How People Perceive Color Around the World
  • Why I Left a Six-Figure Job to Build a Breakup Bootcamp
  • What Distinguishes Us from AI?
  • I Learned the Consequences of Gay Shame at 14
  • Screens are the Latest Invention Not Ruining Kids
  • What is ‘Layering,’ and Does It Mean You’re Bad at Your Job?
  • How to Manage Your Boss
  • Next Generation Marketing Will Have to Break Huge Psychological Barriers
  • Rejected Titles
  • Way Too Early 2020 Oscar Predictions
  • Why It’s Time to Breakup with Zara
  • Mexican X-Plainer: Tamal Vs. Tamale
  • The Ice-Cream Stand
  • The Weirdest Shit to Come Out of Silicon Valley In August
  • The Seven People You’ll Meet at a San Francisco Gym
  • How Much Does Diet Matter When You’re Breastfeeding?
  • Could I be Responsible for My Partner’s Debt?
  • How to Talk to the Person Who Intimidates You at Work
  • The How-to Guide for Indistractability
  • Do Sleep-Tracking Apps Actually Help You Sleep Better?
  • Lumen, the Dating App for Older People, is a Prime Target for Scammers
  • How Sexism Almost Derailed My Floral Startup
  • The Science of Kink
  • Can You Really Have an Orgasmic Birth?
  • I Spent 6-Figures On a Dying SaaS Company
  • This 88-Year-Old Grandmother Was an International Jewel Thief
  • Campsites Where You Don’t Need a Reservation
  • ‘Unicorn Culture at its Best’: the Weirdest Experiences Interviewing at Startups
  • How to be a Good Senior Developer
  • How Britain Plunged Into its Worst Constitutional Crisis In 400 Years
  • Being ‘Indistractable’ Will be the Skill of the Future

The Status of H

T

we walked in the
Moonrise Kingdom
of your car
only to find
a thousand ways
to kneel and kiss

it’s way too brunch word
violent and original
whenever I’m completely awake
working hard to distract me
from working hard
so please fuck off

I’m in a really good place spiritually
the best vibes ever
delicious watermelon,
right meow!
your perfect human bridge
one for the wild
belly shot included

it’s true, I would have gone to prison
feeding my horse
and shining my bayonet
taking one of my most friends
definitely a most yoga teacher
to sit on every new thing

what I always wanted
his awesomer doppelgänger
long dang works for me
maybe it will feel like
Meowzer’s switzerland camel
if it arrived through the window

why is it that
after a lovely
shame on the lawyer
Miss Ma’am and my grandmother
shoot star trails in the sky?

(This poem was constructed with phrases taken from a friend’s Facebook status updates.)

predicted text

p

the fact I can be
to be the first
half of the day before
I get a follow back
on my way home from
work to be the first
half of the year
and the other hand
is the only thing that
would have to go back
and I don’t think that
I have a great way
of life and the other
hand is the only thing
that would have to go
back and the first
half of the year
and the first half
of the first half
was the best of the first
half of the first
place for a few weeks
of a sudden it was
the best of the year
of high quality of life
and I don’t think that
I have a great way
of the first
half of the year
of high quality
of life is the only one
that is a good time
with the same thing
that would have to be
the best thing to say
it was the first
half of the first
half to find
to do it again one year
and the rest
for some of my favorite
part of the year
of high quality
and I don’t know
how much you mean
to be a great day
for the next few
weeks of a sudden
it is the only one
that is a good time
with the same thing
to say it is
this same thing
this same thing

(This poem was constructed using my phone’s predictive text feature. I accepted every suggested word after typing the word, ‘the.’)